I often hear people say: "I can't change it, so I'm letting it go" or "you must let it go" and other such statements. As if letting go is easy.

Letting go is a popular concept these days. It seems as if it is the solution to all conflicts you encounter on your spiritual path.

Letting go is a key concept in Eastern traditions, such as Hinduism and Buddhism, and has been adopted by many spiritual 'teachers' of our time. And rightly so. In order to embody love, compassion and pure consciousness, we must indeed let go of some things, namely: 1) our identification with our egoic self, 2) our (conscious and unconscious) programmings and beliefs, and 3) the idea that we are separate from ourselves and from each other.

But that type of letting go is a completely different process than the one where we let go of people, situations and emotions, as if they no longer exist. That's what I call emotionally disconnecting from what presents itself in our reality. Because it seems too difficult or scary to deal with, we give it a nice spiritual word and declare that we are letting go, but what is really happening is that we choose to avoid the problem (avoidant attachment). This can also be a form of spiritual bypassing (see previous blog about spiritual bypassing).

To demonstrate the depth and complexity of what it means to spiritually let go, I will identify 8 essential elements that must precede the actual process of letting go.

1. Accept. The first and most fundamental element of letting go is recognizing a situation or a person for what it is. When reality (people, situations, outcomes) is not what we would like it to be, the first step is to accept it without resistance. Life is fluid and constantly changing. Letting go means learning to understand that change is a natural part of life.

2. Mindful awareness. How can we let go if we don't know why something of someone is stressing us out in the first place? Therefore letting go involves self awareness and self reflection.Why is this situation/person affecting me? Why is this triggering me? Which belief and opinion do I still hold as 'the' truth about this situation or person? Once we understand the situation fully, we can decide whether it needs further attention, healing or action or not. Without awareness, letting go is just another word for avoiding.
   

3. Understanding. Understanding is central when we want to let go (it really goes hand in hand with nr. 2, mindful awareness). Once we reflected deeply on the situation and come to an honest understanding of why the situation arose in the first place - including the parts we ourselves played in it - we can see the situation from a more objective angle and our grip on how it 'should be' becomes less tight. When we understand the person or the situation, letting go becomes much easier.
   

4. Self-compassion. Letting go means that we become softer towards ourselves. Being kind to ourselves (see previous blog), and having understanding and compassion for our humanness , is essential. When we are kind to ourselves, we automatically become kind to others and our environment. Then letting go is perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself and/or others in a situation.
   

5. To forgive. Forgiving yourself and others is a crucial part of letting go. Holding on to judgment, resentment, or guilt can hinder the process, and forgiveness is a powerful step toward emotional freedom. Forgiveness does not mean accepting bad behavior. Absolutely not.

   1. Forgiving ourselves means that we have self-compassion by understanding we still have unresolved pain, fear or trauma that trigger us. But instead of judging ourselves harshly, there is a loving awareness that this can still be healed. Naturally, we also have to take responsibility for our behavior. Making things right and asking people for forgiveness if we wronged others is part of the process.

   2. Forgiving others means that we understand that others may also have reacted from a place of pain or trauma (which triggered them). In other words, it may have had nothing to do with us. In that case it is something that actually belongs to the other person, but we have taken it personally. By forgiving others, we step out of the victim consciousness and leave the negative behavior where it belongs, namely with the other person.

   Forgiveness is therefore letting go of the judgment, resentment, or guilt around a situation or person which ultimately sets us free.

   
   

6. Non-attachment to outcomes. Being non-attached to outcomes still involves that we engage fully in actions and endeavors, yet we let go of the need to control the process and our dependence on a certain end result. This does not mean that we become indifferent. It’s about caring deeply and engaging fully, but without becoming enslaved by the desire for specific outcomes. Letting go of our attachment to outcomes creates space and freedom for an organic flow of energy to emerge, based only on pure intentions. It is a practice of balancing effort with surrender, intention with acceptance, and engagement with freedom.
   

7. Trust and surrender. Cultivating trust is an important spiritual part of letting go. We often worry about the future, which makes us desperately want to maintain control over someone or something. In other words, someone must behave in a certain way and a situation must be resolved in a certain way. Only then will we be okay. Trust and letting go often go hand in hand. When we let go of control, we trust that this particular situation will unfold in a way that is best for everyone.  When we can trust that things unfold according to a higher plan, we can let go of our tight grip of control and surrender to a higher consciousness.
   

8. Gratitude. When we reflect on the richness and fullness of our lives and the beautiful moments we experience with our partner, our children, friends and family, we can feel a sense of deep gratitude. We may also look back on our lives and be grateful for our experiences, which allowed us to learn and grow and make us wiser and better people. Gratitude has a high vibration. So when we focus on the positive - when we let go of negativity - gratitude is a vibration that arises naturally. Gratitude is the end result and the ultimate gift we receive when we let go.

In summary, letting go is not a decision made solely with the mind, nor is it achievable through sheer willpower. Letting go is a process.

Our insessant thinking about, criticisizing and judging of people, situations and circumstances, continues to bind us energetically to them. In other words, when we continue to cling to our point of view, our opinion and our narrative about a situation (or person), we remain bound to it. It is nobody's fault but our own!

The 8 elements help us to make room in our heads, creating an opening to look at the situation (or the person) differently, namely from our heart. When we can start to see the situation from love, forgiveness and healing, we simply break the energetic bond that binds us to the situation (or the person). That is letting go.